In an unexpected turn of events today, an extremist anti-commercialism group is claiming responsibility for the death of Santa Claus. Mr. Claus was killed early this morning in what is reported to be a drive-by shooting. Also dead are Mickey Mouse and two unidentified snowmen. The deaths are being hailed as a blow against the rampant greed that has slowly eroded the true meaning of Christmas. Leaders everywhere are hailing it as a first small step in throwing off the yoke of retailers, long seen as having a stranglehold over the hearts of children and the pocketbooks of parents. It was thought that this domination would continue until everyone in the world became utterly controlled by their possessions.
Police are investigating, although one officer was heard to say, “It's about time!” The National Weather Service has also become involved, claiming that the deaths are a result of an errant wind gust.
